I Need a New Place to Be

I'm not even sure what I really mean by this yet. It's possible that I just mean what I originally THOUGHT I meant when I thought it. I mean, Rocky isn't a good place for me to be right now. I need another outlet. But maybe I mean more. I'm really struggling to maintain relationships and friendships right now. I don't go see anybody, and I don't go out of my way to talk to anybody I don't HAVE to except out of a sense of "OH SHIT, I haven't talked to so and so for days and I've been dodging their calls/texts/private messages/posts for days. Maybe I should get back to them." or I really actually HAVE to for REASONS. I don't visit. I'm becoming anti-social again. I think I am having that feeling of I want a new place to be... entirely! I have wanderlust like a mo'fo but I don't want to leave the house unless I'm going somewhere neat... and FAR. Anything local and run of the mill is a chore and I minimize my exposure because blah. I'm really freaking depressed. When I get depressed, that's when I want to see the world!

Time To Go TiTs Deep!

One of the problems that I’ve been facing head on lately is that I feel like my relationship with the company that I’m (kinda sorta) working for (and with my relationship with my life and the world and everything and everyone) has very little definition yet. The thing is, I am sort of tasked with defining my position. What is it that I am going to do for the company? How am I an asset? I’m sure it’s a lot. The problem is, I don’t feel comfortable assuming I’ll do it all this way or that way. I don’t feel comfortable making up the rules.

Wow!

I... ?

don’t feel comfortable...?

making up the rules?

Isn’t that just the story of my life? Delegation sucks. Telling people what to do sucks. It’s so isolating when it doesn’t go well.

Okay, whatever. Right? Pick up your paddle and go TiTs Deep!

So, back to work... right after I do the laundry.

A Moment to Contemplate Confidence

The more I learn about what it is I am trying to do, the more confident I am becoming. I'd rather it be that than becoming less confident. However I thought that being more confident would mean that I would want to hammer out details about being paid sooner, rather than being more relaxed about it. It's just not the time for me to be focused on that. I have research to do. I have thoughts to compile. I have so many other things that I need to be focused on, and money is not one of them. That can wait and I have peace with that.

Now, back to the frenzy!

Coming Together, Right Now, Over ME!

Exciting things are afoot all about me! I have a lot more confidence in the future of these opportunities than I did just under a week ago, and I'm very focused on investing the time and energy I need into succeeding.

Because writing is going to be a huge part of responsibilities, I need to reign it in and focus on the technical side of writing again. Giddy is the Grammar Nazi who has an excuse, nay, a legitimate reason to become completely technical!

 

I'm learning about press releases and it's really rather fascinating. Oh, the whoring out of self-advertising! I think the first lesson that I'm taking away from this is to never put your name on something that you haven't proofread! I don't want to look like a cheap, five-dollar crackwhore when with a little time, effort, and attention to detail I can look like a high class, executive escort. The lesson learned the hard way, is a lesson well-learned, I suppose. This is why I am so focused on learning all I can about this, so I don't have to learn such simple things, always proofread before I send, the hard way.

 

It's a confidence thing. I know I should do something the right way, but I just want to follow orders. If I take initiative, I could be wrong. Aw, crap! I just realized this is worse than I thought it was. I'm a mess and it's time for that to change.

My Beautiful Tangled Web

As I’ve grown older my internal philosophy has become more focused in the form of a metaphor: Life Is a Spider Web. This is a concept I entertained for years, but by the time I started my first active blog nearly a decade ago, The Wandering Link, its stated focus was to explore the intricacies of being connected and the effects of that on my Vagabond Heart. Now, I feel like I’ve finally worked my way to the center, and I can turn around and see in every direction all the different ways my life is coming together. It’s my Theory of Everything and it’s all about interconnectivity.

It seems almost cliché the thought of anything being like a web; a city, a social network. It’s long since been entrenched in popular culture with The Kevin Bacon in which a savvy pop culture buff can prove time and time again the concept that we are all generally fewer than six degrees of separation from every other person on the planet. One could take it to the pseudointellectual and say, “Yeah, yeah! That’s why it takes different people who specialize in all the different arts and sciences to move society forward and when one or multiple areas of society are neglected you end up with imbalance and conflict.”

Yes, it’s that, but it’s so much more. Nothing is irrelevant. No one is irrelevant. Every single thing I do, or I do not do effects the world around me. It’s either something I did to improve the world or not. It’s the choices I make about the people in my life. Who should I let influence me? Who should I remove? In the last five years, I feel like I’ve been improving my choices in the people department; more discerning, less of a bleeding heart, co-dependent mess, who just takes in any mangy, old stray.

My web is getting large. It used to be so spread out with tangled and awkward connections, as things progressed it begins to normalize as angles and distances become a little more uniform and the closer I’ve gotten to the center, the more organized and intricate the connections have become. There is precision now in place of chaos. But the chaos was a necessary step in laying the structure so and it has everything to do with the environment where my web was placed. It may be the corner of a door frame with a perfect 90 degree angle to work with. Or it could be the fractal chaos of a tall tree in the middle of a forest, with wind and weather to contend with.  As long as I learn from experience the web gets better and better as I approach the center.

I feel more empowered in the last couple of years than I have ever before. Nothing comes close to the accomplishments and personal successes I’ve had. I have a long way to go before I think of myself as steadfast and balanced, but I feel more steady, more balanced than in the past. I pass more than I fail and so I feel better about myself, but I also pass more than I fail because I feel better about myself.

My personal web is almost ready for me. When I’m done I’ll be able to start catching flies… and oh, what juicy flies there are to be caught!

Change Is In the Air

So, I will do this in about a week, but if you would like to continue reading my blog you'll need to let me know in the comments so I can add you as a reader. I'm going to lock my blog down so I can feel free to put whatever I want on here without it being seen by people I'd rather not have read it without my knowlege or consent.

Please Don't...

*sigh*

I was really excited about hanging out with you and your bromance buddy, and now I'm afraid you're going to abandon me the whole weekend. I know we weren't going to have a lot of time to hang out, but I'd like to at least be in the same place with you more than the ride down and ride back. I know you're just doing your nervous thing, and now so am I. I know you want reassurance that you'll be able to get enough sleep. I think you will, but I can't guarantee it, and that makes me too nervous to fully reassure you. Hopefully, what I said to you was enough... hopefully.

*crosses fingers*

I can just feel it. He's going to pull out. GAH!